Psalm 38

verse 6:
I am bowed down and brought very low.
verse 8:
I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan anguish of heart.


Lately, I realized what it felt to have sinned and my heart was full of guilt that I even cried twice on the same evening. It was heavy, a burden I tried to bear but only had me crying and mourning because it was really hurting inside me. It felt so bad that I wanted to take that part off me. It felt like my whole self was crushed. It was really humbling, down, really down, to see myself as a sinner and someone who really deserves punishment from God...but God gave me a second chance. Repentance.

verse 9:
All my longings lie open before you, Lord.


God knows everything about us. Even those desires hidden within us, He knows it even though we don't say it. He knows what we want before we even tell Him. He knows what we need. He knows what's the best for us, so we should not close ourselves before God.

verse 12:
Those who want to kill me set their traps, those who would harm me talk of my ruin; all day long they scheme and lie.


I still can't figure out why there are people who still keep on bashing and bugging me with their words, judging me, saying bad things about me and like planning to ruin me buy gossip. I don't want to get my security from them. I won't mind their words and actions towards me. I get security from God.
There are people in our lives whose motives aren't really good and beneficial in our lives. Some just really tend to mess up with our plans and everyday activities, and some are just getting on your nerves because they don't like you and you don't know what you did. We really shouldn't mind those people since we should not take our security from them, we shouldn't please them, but please God.

verse 22.
Come quickly to help me, my Lord and my Savior. 

God is our refuge. He should be. Only in Him we can be secure in ALL things.

Of Crying and Fireproof

I've had so many insights after watching Fireproof with Mark and Webster, to the point na pinag-iisipan ko buong gabi, at buong araw hanggang ngayon.

I am not fond of watching movies- the last one I watched in the theatre was Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2, and maybe, the only movie that I'm eager watch is the Evangelion 1.0: You Are (Not) Alone and 2.0: You Can (Not) Advance, plus the other two more upcoming movies of EVA. So yeah, hindi ako interested on movies. 

Fireproof was a movie I didn't want to miss since ang dami ko nang narinig about it, especially from Lifebox people. I didn't even read a synopsis or watched a trailer of it para wala talaga akong idea about it. 

And then we watched the movie. 

Hindi pa nangangalahati yung movie, napaiyak na ako.

Noong akala kong patapos na yung movie, umiyak nanaman ako.

Noong last part na talaga, which is yung part na hindi ko inasahan, mas lalo akong humagulgol.

Grabe. Iyak much lang. haha. And to think the day before, which was the Friday youth service, humagulgol pa ako ng dalawang beses. Isa noong bago mag-7 pm service, at isa after. Crybaby, I am. 

But then I asked myself, bakit ang frequent kong umiyak. I know that in our society, it's not common for men to cry. Pero..hindi ba pwedeng, ganun magparamdam ng love si God sa akin? Noong Friday, I cried so hard, twice, because I repented, and after surrendering myself to God again, He said, 'You can always come back to Me, and I will be delighted if you do. Hold on to Me, to the Word. I love you, My child.'

 I cried on Friday because I realized I was wrong. I did something SO wrong. And I didn't keep it(my wrongdoing) to myself, I know what I should do-the RIGHT thing. And I realized too, that I hurt my leader, kasi noong nagkwento ako, tapos na, nangyari na eh. Dapat pala, noong alam kong I'm feeling uneasy, bago pa lumala, kinontak ko na siya, but I didn't, because I thought 'kaya ko na', but NO,kung wala si God sa isang bagay na pinagdesisyunan mo, it'll lead into a dangerous and maybe deadly situation. I tested myself.. And it made me cry more, kasi ayoko din na nakikitang nasasaktan siya dahil sa akin. Kung ganun na si Jal, paano na si Lord, diba. God was sad too, but He gave me a second chance. I cried so hard because I really wanted to repent. Ganun naging willing yung heart ko to surrender it to God. 

It was His love, His grace, add to that the love of the people who are with me in my walk with God, ganun kalaki yung natatanggap ko, and I know I don't deserve any of it, pero si God yun, at mahal Niya tayong lahat, and I just can't help to cry-a cry of gratitude, that always make me stronger, motivated, encouraged, and have the will to carry on to the next days. 

Regarding Fireproof, sobrang, wow. So many things learned from it. Dito lumalabas yung pagiging 'Learner' ko talaga. I'll just point some highlights of the ones that really struck me from the movie.

1. God should be at the center in a relationship. Not you, not your partner, not your career, not anyone else, not anything, but God. Everything else follows. Same applies to our individual lives, if we follow God, everything else follows.

2. Pride doesn't give you anything. It just causes problems. Boosting your own ego doesn't make you more of a person, doesn't make you better than the others. 

3. OPINIONS may help, but opinions are from a person's point of view-it may have holes and biases.

4. Seek godly counsel not from blabbermouths, not from the people full of pride, not from the world. Have a person- a person who follows God, that would help you in your problems. In him or her, seek godly counsel.

5. Have compassion for people. 

6. Never compare. Don't WEIGH your achievements, what you did, who did more, who did less. Remember that you're comparing yourself to another person, with a different life who has a different experience. It kinda goes with your pride when you're weighing and comparing.

7. READ the Bible everyday, and pray. Prayer really works. 

8. God is always with us, in times of need, in our good times, and stays in our bad, and worse, and worst times.

9. When you make a vow in marriage, NEVER break it. Kaya ako, I'll wait for the time when God will present to me my life partner; and 

10. You NEVER leave your partner-a friend, a significant other, in the fire, as God will never leave our side even if we're in the fire. It reminded me of the story of Shadrac, Meshac and Abednego.

Haha. ang dami lang no. :) sige, post ko na to. Hindi na ako nakareview kakaisip pa ng ittype :DD

Floating inside a space vessel

I took a nap today, and I really think God was in my dream. 


Before I slept I was having a conversation with my leader regarding the struggle I had- it's really hard to control it, but God just gives me the strength to carry on.


I had this weird dream.
-----
We were a lot of people, at a place so quiet, like a desert. We were running from something- people were screaming, running, and tumbling. There were so many people that the ones who stumbled down, were always helped by the others to stand up and run.
As I look on the thing we're running from, it was...


a flood. Similar to the movie, 2012. It was a great flood that was chasing us, wanting to wipe us out. We ran so fast we managed to move into an area where the flood couldn't reach us.


We were resting, then somebody shouted "The water! It's here again!"


Then we just saw water gushing again to our direction. We ran again. 


 We were getting tired because we were running uphill, and I said on my mind, "What is going on here?Did God do this?Why, LORD, are you doing this to us?Are you letting us die on the flood, or something more? I'm getting tired, and I don't think I can run much further." 


A girl tripped over and couldn't get back up easily, so I managed to help her and run with her...then the flood was nearing to us. 


I thought, 'just don't look back.don't look at the flood.the LORD will save us.'


With eyes closed, I just didn't look back at the flood and continued to run, and a person in front of us shouted, "The water's gone!".


It wasn't really gone, it was like time got frozen and the water didn't move. 


What is going on here.


then in a split second, I was warped, teleported....to something really far....like a space station.


Then I found myself floating inside a space vessel, looking on the outer space..


Then somebody shouted.

"do you not have God in your life, who created all of heaven and earth, who showed you all of these?"

Yes, I have you,Lord. 


..and there was a part I couldn't remember. The voice went on saying something like this.


"don't give up on Me. I will always be with you. Have faith."

Then I woke up with a smiling face and an overwhelmed expression.

----

I realized that God is always in our lives, no matter where you are, what you do, what were you, who you are, who you WERE. The past is the past, you can look into it, but don't let yourself get consumed by it. I think the water was an illustration of the past-the flood. It goes on to haunt you, get back to you, consume you again in your walk with God, but as long as you don't stop walking,running, and having FAITH in the LORD, you won't get consumed by it, you won't drown from it. You'll get splashed, but don't let yourself get into the water and be immersed into it. 
FAITH is the key. Believe in God. Believe in His wonders, His miracles. He will never leave us, and will always be with us. That's something I learned too.

..and I think that's God's message to me. It relates so much to the conversation I had with my leader, Jal this afternoon. I woke up with that realization, and I just felt so loved by God.

Visualize

A question I remembered during the Crossover event was:


How do you see yourself 5 years from now?


Honestly, I can't really answer the question. Before I went home, I already have the mindset of taking the licensure exams, passing it, and working in the academe as an instructor, and also serving in the church and campus ministry. 


And that mindset was shaken when I went home. 


My father is suggesting I should take further studies and pursue Clinical Pharmacy, which is the fifth year of the Pharmacy curriculum in CEU, or even continue until Doctor of Pharmacy, which is on the sixth year. 


My mind was so shaken I tried to think of it the whole day and weighing things, like "is going to the academe really not good?", "Well, I'll be able to practice my profession in the hospital setting if I pursue Clinical Pharmacy", and "but I already had the mindset of being an instructor!"
I also thought on the Chem company I tried to apply to during the jobs fair. It's more on the industrial side, so more on laboratory practice here. The company doesn't even need a licensed pharmacist, they accept graduates who even don't have the license.


I had those thoughts, those suggestions in my mind. My dad wants me to pursue Clinical Pharmacy or Doctor of Pharmacy. I want to pursue Masters' Degree or PhD and teach, and that industrial company is hanging on my thoughts.


I want this, I want that, is this good for me? Is this really what my family wants for me? Is it really for me? Is this what I really want in my life, to work as(insert choice here)?


but the RIGHT QUESTION is:


Where does God want me to go, amidst these choices?

As I contemplate about the decisions I will make, I really should pray to God for His guidance for me to take the right decision, where He really wants me to go, and that's how we should visualize our future- a future guided by God. The decisions we make today will affect our future, so we should not make hasty decisions. Think about it once, twice, thrice, a hundred times, with God's guidance.


As Jehoshaphat said on 2 Chronicles 18:4, "First seek the counsel of the LORD."